Hey there. It's been awhile.
This last year has been one of the most rewarding and challenging years I have encountered yet. I took a role in an adult's life that I didn't ever expect to; I became my grandfather's caregiver. Like with most things in life, I learned more than I expected to and encountered many surprises. Those of you that know me know that I like to share my experiences in hopes that they help someone, somewhere, out there. This is no different. I hope this entry finds you in a place that allows you understand something just a little bit more. YOU WILL FEEL ALONE. Regardless of the help that you have, you will feel alone at times. You will feel angry and may even have a pity party...or two...or three. Try to understand this going in so that you know how to get ahead of it. It will be easier on you and those around you if you set a very low bar for what to expect of yourself. KEEP A SPECIAL PLACE IN YOUR HEART FOR THE "RULE BREAKERS." Our country is not set up to gracefully care for the aging. Most of the people who made the biggest impact in my Grandfather's life broke or bent a rule or simply acted outside of the status quo to help. Entry requirements were "overlooked" so that he could get himself registered in an assisted living facility and be able to retain some level of an independence that he craved so badly. Medicare rules were ignored so that a 91 year man didn't have to travel 4 hours round trip to have his foot care maintained. A random insurance agent took time out of his day to explain the incredibly confusing Medicare rules that we have after I'd spent hours talking to "representatives" and been bounced from one help line to another. Compassionate staff may need to blur lines to be able to provide real support from a human being to another human being. A doctor may need to find excuses to keep a patient in a hospital JUST long enough for him to be eligible for hospice care so that he doesn't have to spend his final days in an unfamiliar facility hours away from his loved ones... simply because he makes a smidge over the low income line that would allow him to remain at a local facility. Keep your eyes out for these people. They aren't the person answering the government telephone line. They aren't the person from adult services. They aren't the people who are paid to help. They're the people that care and they are out there. IT WILL BE A BURDEN. I'm just gonna go right ahead and throw this out there. Maybe you don't like the way it sounds or the way that it makes you feel to say it out loud but that doesn't change this simple truth. I look back at this and realize that many great things in life can be burdens and it reminds me to cultivate a tribe of support that is willing to carry a burden, should I ever become one myself. Much like your children, your friends, and your loved ones in general....when there is another person's well-being on the line, you don't have a lot of options. In a situation like this you lose flexibility, flare, or any semblance of convenience sometimes and there's nothing you can do except grin and bear it. Don't go into something like this expecting any less. THE HOSPICE CONVERSATION IS HARD. I sat next to a very weak and frail person whom I cared for and watched him be told that they will die soon. Everybody knew this, but you will have to listen to it be said and you will have to watch your loved one experience the conversation. The avoidance, the acknowledgement, and the sadness that I don't think can be avoided. You may watch them try to avoid it, only to have them brought back to it until they acknowledge and accept that they understand this agreement that they are transitioning into. You may watch them speak words that they acknowledge the reality and then distinctly see a fear as they are being asked if they understand this means that nobody will use CPR on them ever or call an ambulance for them again. You may want to scream at the top of your lungs to just leave them alone and don't make them sad or hurt them like this but you know you have to restrain yourself because this is all a part of the process. This was the hardest part. Make sure you have support for this. I will always have a special place in my heart for Hospice care providers and can't imagine what it must be like to be the person who has to initiate this process. YOU CAN STIR UP THINGS YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE THERE. This Grandfather is my Father's Father. The same Father who spent a lot of years smashing my security and sense of reality in our world. The same Father who lived on a rollercoaster of awesome happy high moments and then alcohol and drug-induced low moments. This is his duty and much like most of his duties, he isn't here to take responsibility. My father died over a decade ago and I didn't realize how angry I still am at him until I spent some time taking care of something else that he should have. There are definitely some scars that reopened. YOU WILL NEED MONEY. There's no getting around this one either. Friends, start saving now. I'm not joking. Do it with an urgency. One, math is on your side if you start saving sooner rather that later and two, getting old is expensive. My Grandfather was middleclass. He went into the military right after school and worked as a floor layer his entire life after. He lived and raised his family modestly. He retired with social security and a pension. He needed every dime of his income to receive his care and I was constantly afraid of what would happen if something else unexpected came up. Assisted living is expensive and his facility had additional costs for additional care so it continues to add up as you rely on more care. He was lucky to only be on 3 medications so his monthly prescription costs were under $200/month (that's right, Medicare doesn't cover everything!). That's a scenario with a relatively healthy 91 year old. What happens if you get hurt and need more care? What kind of life will you be living if you have to decide whether to buy certain food to be able to pay for your medication? What about if your only option is a nursing home that isn't around loved ones? I really lucked out that I have an assisted living center in my area. If I didn't, the closest nursing home he was eligible for was almost 2 hours away. Just save. Just do it. Know that it will make things so much easier on you when you really need it. YOU WILL NOT REGRET YOUR EFFORT. After all of it, there is something so amazing about sacrificing and being compassionate to someone. I stop and consider the situation that many people are faced with once they become elderly and no longer fun or useful to the world around them and it saddens me. My Grandfather didn't have anyone committed to ensuring he was cared for and I am glad that I was able to help him in the ways that I did. I am glad that my children got to experience something that should be second nature to the world but is, instead, often neglected. YOU WILL LEARN A LOT IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO. While it was a crazy and stressful year, he taught me a lot about resilience and creating your own happiness. Through everything my Grandfather went through, he maintained a sense of humor and chipper disposition. He'd outlived all of this friends, his wife, one of his children and had lost all sense of independence and still managed to crack jokes and find a humor that I often couldn't. He made me realize that is can ALWAYS be worse and that your scenario will always be your scenario but the attitude you have about it has an impact on what the experience will be like. I hope to retain some of his spirit in life. Our world is scary. It really is. Stop for a moment and picture yourself aged and helpless and what it must be like to have a world just revolving so fast around you while you are ignored or resented. One thing I remember was how much my Grandfather liked to go shopping and how angry I would get because every trip there was at least one person getting annoyed at how slow he was or clearly displaying their impatience or disgust as he might accidently knock something over or be in their way. They didn't realize that this is his one big thing....that's it. Going to the damn store and meandering around to look at stuff and simply interact with people. People can be real assholes. Don't be that asshole. I can say that I've probably been that person and I won't ever again. Humans are more important than your fleeting annoyance. We all need to be a lot nicer. Compassion is priceless.
1 Comment
10/19/2022 05:14:27 pm
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