Hey there. It's been awhile. 

​This last year has been one of the most rewarding and challenging years I have encountered yet. I took a role in an adult's life that I didn't ever expect to; I became my grandfather's caregiver. 

​Like with most things in life, I learned more than I expected to and encountered many surprises. Those of you that know me know that I like to share my experiences in hopes that they help someone, somewhere, out there. This is no different. I hope this entry finds you in a place that allows you understand something just a little bit more.  

​YOU WILL FEEL ALONE. Regardless of the help that you have, you will feel alone at times. You will feel angry and may even have a pity party...or two...or three. Try to understand this going in so that you know how to get ahead of it. It will be easier on you and those around you if you set a very low bar for what to expect of yourself.  

KEEP A SPECIAL PLACE IN YOUR HEART FOR THE "RULE BREAKERS." Our country is not set up to gracefully care for the aging. Most of the people who made the biggest impact in my Grandfather's life broke or bent a rule or simply acted outside of the status quo to help. Entry requirements were "overlooked" so that he could get himself registered in an assisted living facility and be able to retain some level of an independence that he craved so badly. Medicare rules were ignored so that a 91 year man didn't have to travel 4 hours round trip to have his foot care maintained. A random insurance agent took time out of his day to explain the incredibly confusing Medicare rules that we have after I'd spent hours talking to "representatives" and been bounced from one help line to another. Compassionate staff may need to blur lines to be able to provide real support from a human being to another human being. A doctor may need to find excuses to keep a patient in a hospital JUST long enough for him to be eligible for hospice care so that he doesn't have to spend his final days in an unfamiliar facility hours away from his loved ones... simply because he makes a smidge over the low income line that would allow him to remain at a local facility. Keep your eyes out for these people. They aren't the person answering the government telephone line. They aren't the person from adult services. They aren't the people who are paid to help. They're the people that care and they are out there. 

​IT WILL BE A BURDEN. I'm just gonna go right ahead and throw this out there. Maybe you don't like the way it sounds or the way that it makes you feel to say it out loud but that doesn't change this simple truth. I look back at this and realize that many great things in life can be burdens and it reminds me to cultivate a tribe of support that is willing to carry a burden, should I ever become one myself. Much like your children, your friends, and your loved ones in general....when there is another person's well-being on the line, you don't have a lot of options. In a situation like this you lose flexibility, flare, or any semblance of convenience sometimes and there's nothing you can do except grin and bear it. Don't go into something like this expecting any less. 

​THE HOSPICE CONVERSATION IS HARD. I sat next to a very weak and frail person whom I cared for and watched him be told that they will die soon. Everybody knew this, but you will have to listen to it be said and you will have to watch your loved one experience the conversation. The avoidance, the acknowledgement, and the sadness that I don't think can be avoided. You may watch them try to avoid it, only to have them brought back to it until they acknowledge and accept that they understand this agreement that they are transitioning into. You may watch them speak words that they acknowledge the reality and then distinctly see a fear as they are being asked if they understand this means that nobody will use CPR on them ever or call an ambulance for them again. You may want to scream at the top of your lungs to just leave them alone and don't make them sad or hurt them like this but you know you have to restrain yourself because this is all a part of the process. This was the hardest part. Make sure you have support for this. I will always have a special place in my heart for Hospice care providers and can't imagine what it must be like to be the person who has to initiate this process. 

​YOU CAN STIR UP THINGS YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE THERE. This Grandfather is my Father's Father. The same Father who spent a lot of years smashing my security and sense of reality in our world. The same Father who lived on a rollercoaster of awesome happy high moments and then alcohol and drug-induced low moments. This is his duty and much like most of his duties, he isn't here to take responsibility. My father died over a decade ago and I didn't realize how angry I still am at him until I spent some time taking care of something else that he should have. There are definitely some scars that reopened.

​YOU WILL NEED MONEY. There's no getting around this one either. Friends, start saving now. I'm not joking. Do it with an urgency. One, math is on your side if you start saving sooner rather that later and two, getting old is expensive. My Grandfather was middleclass. He went into the military right after school and worked as a floor layer his entire life after. He lived and raised his family modestly. He retired with social security and a pension. He needed every dime of his income to receive his care and I was constantly afraid of what would happen if something else unexpected came up. Assisted living is expensive and his facility had additional costs for additional care so it continues to add up as you rely on more care. He was lucky to only be on 3 medications so his monthly prescription costs were under $200/month (that's right, Medicare doesn't cover everything!). That's a scenario with a relatively healthy 91 year old. What happens if you get hurt and need more care? What kind of life will you be living if you have to decide whether to buy certain food to be able to pay for your medication? What about if your only option is a nursing home that isn't around loved ones? I really lucked out that I have an assisted living center in my area. If I didn't, the closest nursing home he was eligible for was almost 2 hours away. Just save. Just do it. Know that it will make things so much easier on you when you really need it. 
​
YOU WILL NOT REGRET YOUR EFFORT. After all of it, there is something so amazing about sacrificing and being compassionate to someone. I stop and consider the situation that many people are faced with once they become elderly and no longer fun or useful to the world around them and it saddens me. My Grandfather didn't have anyone committed to ensuring he was cared for and I am glad that I was able to help him in the ways that I did. I am glad that my children got to experience something that should be second nature to the world but is, instead, often neglected. 

YOU WILL LEARN A LOT IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO. While it was a crazy and stressful year, he taught me a lot about resilience and creating your own happiness. Through everything my Grandfather went through, he maintained a sense of humor and chipper disposition. He'd outlived all of this friends, his wife, one of his children and had lost all sense of independence and still managed to crack jokes and find a humor that I often couldn't. He made me realize that is can ALWAYS be worse and that your scenario will always be your scenario but the attitude you have about it has an impact on what the experience will be like. I hope to retain some of his spirit in life.

​Our world is scary. It really is. Stop for a moment and picture yourself aged and helpless and what it must be like to have a world just revolving so fast around you while you are ignored or resented. One thing I remember was how much my Grandfather liked to go shopping and how angry I would get because every trip there was at least one person getting annoyed at how slow he was or clearly displaying their impatience or disgust as he might accidently knock something over or be in their way. They didn't realize that this is his one big thing....that's it. Going to the damn store and meandering around to look at stuff and simply interact with people. People can be real assholes. Don't be that asshole. I can say that I've probably been that person and I won't ever again. Humans are more important than your fleeting annoyance.

We all need to be a lot nicer. Compassion is priceless.      

One of my hobbies, turned part-time profession is being a Level 1 Crossfit Trainer at a local Crossfit gym. I was introduced to Crossfit by my husband a little over 5 years ago and it changed my life. For the first time, I found a consistent fitness regime that was tailorable, motivating, and provided me with results. I haven't yo-yo dieted, I am strong and healthy, and I've smashed some goals that I thought I never would.

​My full-time job has lended me the opportunity to have travelled around our country quite a bit. One of the things I loved about travelling was it provided me the opportunity to try out several new gyms, talk with other (more experienced) trainers and coaches, and meet some like-minded folks. It's truly been a wonderful journey and provided me some insight into this slice of the fitness world.

​Being pretty vocal about my love for Crossfit has provided an opportunity for lots of folks to contact me with questions about Crossfit or to share a story with me about their experiences. Like most things in life, this has provided some very positive and negative feedback.

​I've noticed a theme as I've heard people talk about their exposure to Crossfit and have witnessed enough times myself. One of those themes is a lack of concern for the individual doing Crossfit. As with most things in my life, I have high standards and little patience for incompetence. I have even less patience when it's incompetence laced with ego. It's unfortunate how many times I've witnessed bullshit, plain and simple, as a direct result of the latter.

​I feel lucky to have landed myself with an affiliate that values both their customer, their employees, and their business. I want to take some time to share some of the things that have made Crossfit as rewarding for me as it has. And, for what it's worth, I encourage you to consider these things if you decide to give Crossfit a whirl.

​Your trainer and your business owner should care about your feelings. Always. Period.

How you are feeling is going to dictate a lot of things that matter to me as your trainer and how much I care should matter to you. How you feel is going to influence what your goals are, how you are showing up to your workout, and also give me some insight into how I can help you elevate yourself and your overall experience. That is my goal. I personally think that should be every trainer's goal. I've yet to see a Crossfit gym that charges less than $100/month for a membership. $100+ people. If I want your business, I should care about you above all else.

​As your trainer, I am there to guide you through the standard for movements that follow Crossfit's doctrine. That means that I should care about whether you are doing a movement correctly BEFORE you proceed. I was lucky enough to have the founder of Crossfit step in on my seminar when I was getting certified and I asked a question that was prodding at me the entire weekend. My question was "what do you do when you have a member who is not able to get the correct position or technique but wants to do a heavier load?" They looked at me with almost a surprise and informed me that you advise them not to go heavier. Always. Every single time. The collective audience of gym members, owners, and Crossfit staff all agreed that should be the standard rule of practice. They advised me to ask that they work on that movement until they get it correct before they proceed. This one really stuck out to me because I had seen people not only allow but ENCOURAGE people to go heavier when they weren't comfortable or were clearly not able to get the correct positioning/technique. I had seen people applaud those lifts and those attempts with such a comraderie that I had sincerely thought it is part of the journey. I have been part of that very thing before. I was wrong. They are wrong. If you are doing this, you are wrong. How can I say this? Because our training tells us so.

​The thing is, I have run into several people who had a bad experience with Crossfit for this exact reason. They were told they couldn't/shouldn't scale, they should "man up" or they are sandbagging a workout if they aren't going prescribed. I've seen people get hurt under the close eye of their trainer because it was that trainer cheering them on when they so clearly shouldn't have been progressing. I've seen someone get rhabdo (medically diagnosed) because she was being yelled at to just keep going. That kind of thing pisses me off because it goes against what we are taught and it is so far outside of what Crossfit's intentions are.

​Yes, as an individual you are responsible for your own actions but I can clearly see how the allure of being apart of something, and under the guidance of a professional, can chip away at personal boundaries. I encourage you not to let it.

Above all, listen to your body and explore your options. Find a gym that values you and wants to help elevate you and you won't be disappointed.

Sincerely,

Your friendly local trainer.

​

What if you simply devoted this year to loving yourself more? All the parts of you. The physical, the emotional, the spiritual, the intellectual....each and every part of you. You are special and you deserve it.

​I'll tell you what will happen. You'll not give a shit. A single shit about shittyness will not be given. I know. I did it. I made a conscience decision to pursue me. To pursue the best me that I could. Once I did, my care and concern for the outside noise started to go away and the detailed focus just started to happen.

​My fuel for my journey is love.

​​​It sounds easy enough, but it's not. To walk around this world and love is probably one of the hardest things that I've ever done. Our society seems to thrive on drama, chaos, and competiveness. I can't even write in a blog without hearing through the grapevine that I'm competing with someone or hear about someone trying to one-up me (joys of a small town). It's exhausting once you really, really bother to look it straight in the face. If you're own of those people who let your thoughts go here, maybe you should focus on doing some looking for yourself.

I'll go so far as to say that I'd bet loving is one of the hardest things that anyone can do. I knew plenty of people that love and that's for them was what I thought. I'm more efficient. I'm more skilled. I'm busy doing other great things. I was a skeptic. I love just fine I thought. I had lingering thoughts of discontent though. I wasn't always happy. I sometimes felt like something must just be wrong with me. Then I realized that I wasn't practicing one of the most important kinds of loves. I wasn't loving myself.

Self-love is the most important kind of love.

​I think that there are a lot of women who don't truly love themselves. I think there are a lot of women who put themselves on the back burner. I think there are a lot of women who think that because they are a mother that they have to. That it's their motherly duty. 

​I think those people are doing it wrong. I think that setting yourself up with a foundation of self-love is one of the most important things you can do for your family. I think to do that, you need to make your life and your pursuits about you.

​Let me explain what I think loving yourself looks like. Like most things, it isn't cookie-cutter but I'd say that a great first step for everyone is determining what you want. What YOU WANT. Not need. Not your family. Not your spouse. Not your friends. Ask yourself what you want. Let go of the guilt. If you feel it creeping in, you'll have to be strong and put your foot down. Do it. You'll thank yourself later.

​The what-you-want-part is completely up to you. It could be that you want to feel better physically. It could be that you want to learn to cook an awesome steak. It could be that you want to read a new book. It could be saying no. It could be standing up for something you believe in. It could be that you want to learn a new skill or save some money or climb a mountain or whatever else it is that suits your fancy (small or big!).

​Once you have what you want, you can start creating a path to get there.

I'll use my steak cooking experience to highlight what I mean. I've always wanted to know how to cook a steak. I like watching cooking shows and I love steak and I get a lot of joy out of making a big home-cooked meal...that revolves around steak! :) I literally have thought for years that I wish I knew how to cook a great steak so I decided to focus on that (something I wanted that I wasn't making time for!). I started buying some steaks and playing around with techniques and recipes. I intentionally spent time reading up on different cuts of meat and approaches to cooking it and seasoning pairings and then I started practicing them. I did this in the time that I was usually surfing the web mindlessly anyway. It made me feel so accomplished! It might seem simple, and realistically I suppose it is, but I promise you that the result is nothing short of wonderful when you bother to invest in yourself. You end up with all kinds of great things.....like an amazing medium-rare steak seared in browned butter - ha!

​I think that the world we live in makes it hard to remember what's real sometimes. It makes it hard to feel like you're good enough. Our social media highlight reels don't help. But, I don't think you need to quit with the highlight reels, I think you simply need to remember that's exactly what they are. You need to remember that you're important and that your pursuits are important as well. 

If you're struggling with loving yourself, let this be your year. The more you love yourself, the stronger and happier you'll be and a better version of yourself will emerge. A better professional, family member, spouse, mother... a better and happier you.

​Happy New Year!   

There she is. That girl. That girl that's as tall as me. That girl that is turning into a woman. That girl who sometimes gets mistaken for a woman. That girI is my girl.

​It's easy enough really. To overlook them. It's easy to let them pass by as they do their own hair, make their own snacks, set their own alarms. You know, as they take care of themselves. I hate to even say it but it's true. It's easy to forget that they are still children sometimes. 

They need more of you now than they did when they were little.

​​The other evening I was putting my toddler to bed. As he was crying that he didn't want to be rocked and as I was trying to get him into a new diaper and PJs, my teenager called to me and told me that she still needed to do my hair and makeup. She had asked me earlier if she could practice on me. I told her I was planning on jumping in the shower when I was done so it was pointless now because we wouldn't have time to.

​She responded with grace that it was okay and she understands. She also responded with disappointment. I could hear it in her voice. That's when I realized that my future self will probably remember this moment. I decided to stay up an extra 30 minutes so that we could do her activity together.

​Here's the thing. Little kids take a lot of time. They need help with EVERYTHING. But big kids need such a different kind of help that I think is more crucial. I notice that as kids get older, that parental participation decreases. Adult participation in general decreases. Parties aren't populated. Reading circles don't happen. Classroom helpers rarely exist. In fact, I went to a Parent Lunch Day at her school this year and only saw a handful of other parents in the school.

​I challenge you to lean in more now and not less. Let me tell you why.

​When looking back at the time that I am spending with my teenager, I realize that I have a window. I have a window into her life. I have a window into her decisions. I have a window into her concerns and the opportunity to help guide her through life. I have an opportunity to actively listen and that is more important than ever at this phase in her life.

​Her makeup practice turned into a discussion about her schoolmate who has offered her marijuana twice. A lunch together lead to a discussion about how to handle her classmate that is driving her bonkers on a project. It gave us an opporunity to talk about team work and how to rise above. A trip in which I forced her to run an errand with me lead to us talking about boys and what to do when faced with difficult decisions when you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

We talked about very real life issues and experiences. We talked about things that sometimes children don't ever get to talk about and instead just have to experience on their own.

​I want to have a window into those experiences and input into her decisions. She needs me to use that window. They need us to be there and they need us to make it count. They need us to prioritize them even if they aren't tugging at our pant leg or asking for a snack. They need us to do more work. They need us to take action.

​Don't forget.  

Nothing. I have nothing for you.

​That's what I want to say on days like this. On days when I have so many emails left to respond to and I'm running against my daycare closing time. Days when I don't see my husband other than in passing because he's on a graveyard shift right now. Days when I go grocery shopping at 6:30pm with 3 kids and have a bitchy cashier. Days when I feed my kids whatever I could find as I'm shoving random food in my face as well. Days when I come home and something small just makes me snap.

​Days when I feel alone.

​I'm not alone. You aren't alone. We aren't alone.

​There's an army of us. A large one. An army of women who are working hard and pushing through the exhaustion, sacrificing their wants, holding back their tears....and making the world go 'round.

​That's what my friend told me. She doesn't even know it, but she did. I texted her tonight to vent and her response was so striking to me. She said she was sorry and that she understands. When I told her that knowing I'm not alone makes me feel better, she simply explained that WE aren't alone and that she has a lot of other friends that feel the same exact way.

​That's when it hit me. I'm not alone. I might feel alone, but I'm not. There is a world full of women just like me who are doing the best they can to balance the complicated demands of motherhood.

​It made me think that you might be one of them. You might be having a horrible day and feel like giving up. You might feel worthless or not good enough. You might feel like you're drowning. You might need to hear this.

​You aren't alone. We aren't alone. There's an army of us.

Do any of you have a project that you want to start, but you don't because you don't have the time or energy to properly execute it? Well, I do. In fact, I have a ton of them.

​Remember how I am always talking about how the pursuit of perfection can steal your joy? Well, here we go again...As a recovering perfectionist/procrastinator/half-asser, let me tell you that I've got the perfect project in mind.

​Go fill some picture albums. Go buy some random ones, don't worry about what order your pictures are in or what they say and just go print some pictures and fill some albums. I strongly encourage a glass of wine while you fill the albums, but that's certainly not required (Disclaimer: I strongly encourage wine with most activities!).

​Let me tell you about my experience.

I bought an album on vacation that I loved and it sat there for 2 years. 2 years, people! This album of mine made it into a box during a move, then out of that box onto a shelf, and back into that box when we moved again. The entire time is sat picture-less. I kept thinking that one long weekend I would print out our adventures and have one dedicated to that. Or maybe I'd print out all the kid's baby pictures and it could be themed like that. I kept thinking of how to fill the album to make it the best thing ever and all the while it sat there empty. This is a little depressing to even type that. Anyway...

​If you're anything like me, thumbing through pictures is fun. In our era of social media, I think that a lot of us lose the focus on printing pictures and filling albums. But, I promise you, there is some kind of magic that happens when you print pictures and fill a picture album. I did just what I'm suggesting. I printed a ton of random pictures and just put them into my album. There was no logic behind it. There was no timeline. I'd love to say that I have perfect captions and dates to reflect the moment but I don't. I have pictures of the first week my husband and I met across the page from a picture of our dog, which is right next to picture of us fishing last summer. And as I filled my album, my toddler became very curious and started to point at pictures and babble. After a while, my teenage daughter came to join me and then my 8 year old son followed after. They began to look at the snapshots and reminisce. I heard my 8 year old say things like "Aw" and "I remember this!" while my teenager giggled and forgot for a moment that she is so cool.

​We spent an hour together without anything except our snapshots and our conversation. It felt magical.

​I started to think that I take so many pictures and save them away on a hard drive. But, for what? I wasn't nearly getting the experience that I could out of them. I shared this story with my sister-in-law and she recently told me that she was in the same boat that I was in which she never started because she wasn't sure what to do or how to plan it. It gave me so much joy to hear how her daughter and her looked at all the pictures and talked about them together. They had the same experience that I did.
​
​I walked by my living room a couple of weeks ago and what did I see? My husband, sitting on our sofa, thumbing through an album as the conversation just started flowing. I don't know about you, but these moments seem hard to come by sometimes and it makes me wonder how many other Moms are out there in the same boat and need a little encouragement to just print the pictures and go!

​I promise you won't be disappointed.

October is Child Loss Awareness Month and this month always hits me a little hard. I haven't ever lost a child, but years ago I had a friend lose her child. It was both confusing and challenging for me. I hate to admit it, but I wasn't a good friend in that moment. This is someone who I have known for years. I attended her wedding. I have spent time with her and gotten to know her and considered a friend, and yet none of that mattered....because of one simple reason. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what questions are okay and what are off limits...and so I did nothing. I said nothing. I contemplated sending a card and still, I did nothing. I consulted another friend who told me I should just do nothing as well. I remember it not feeling right, but I did nothing still.    

​I was a coward.

​I bet I'm not alone in this response either.

​Years have passed. I have only grown closer to my friend and I finally had an opportunity to share with her the remorse that I have about my lack of support to her. She confirmed that, indeed, I am not the only person who chose to do and say nothing. In fact, some people said the wrong things as well. This broke my heart.

So I asked the question...What should I have done? I explained all of my shallow reasons and my half attempts that all seemed so wrong. This friend of mine, you see, she is amazing and she acts with grace and so she told me exactly what I could've done and exactly what I shouldn't ever do. I asked that she co-write this piece with me.

I'd like to share her story of loss with you.

"My journey started in 2009 when I was 20 weeks pregnant. This was to be my second child, and I
wanted to be surprised. All I wanted, like any parent, was for my baby to born happy and healthy. We were moving into a new house but were staying at my parents because we hadn’t finished moving everything. I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding and tried not to freak out too much. I called the nurses hotline and they advised that I go to the ER.

​Two weeks later, at 22 weeks, due to many, many reasons, I gave birth to a baby girl. She and I faded at the same time together. And while she left her earthly body, I was brought back. We named her Giovanna Phoenix. She was perfect. Perfectly beautiful. She was everything I had imagined my little girl to look like. I held Gigi in my arms, I have her a birth and a death certificate, photos, and an urn and several years later it still hurts.

The weeks, months, and year after her death were a journey. I visited the five stages of grief. Often. Some stages I experienced many times and to what order they would come in, no one could predict. I had never in my life felt so angry, hopeless, lost, and empty. I wished many times that they would have let me go with her so that I wouldn’t have to feel the true depth of every emotion I was always scared of. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to reemerge from my grief and despair that felt like I was being chained to the bottom of the ocean. Cold, dark, and heavy. I would go into public and, while my body was present, my mind was not.

While everyone experiences, heals and recovers from this journey differently, my saving grace was my first child. He would come to me with such compassion and an eagerness to make me happy again. It would pull at every single heart string I have. He would lie in bed with me when I couldn’t get out of it, and he would sing and dance and laugh and give me kisses and hugs. I slowly began to see the beauty in life again. In every smile he flashed, every soul-filling hug, and silly dance that he danced, I would see a bit of magic. HE willed me to live, and more than that, he willed me to be present.

I slowly started to see the beauty around me again. I started to see life through his eyes and I knew I couldn’t miss it. I had gone to the edge of the world and back again. It was a long journey, one that I still find myself on from time to time. There are days, moments, weeks, that I find myself back where I started. Her birthday, due date, holidays, baby book, are all the usual reminders but something as simple as seeing my boys run through a field or play with worms or simply just be, is enough to bring me to tears.  I would wish and pray that she was here to experience this life that is ours.

I have learned so much during this process, and I know I have much more to learn. I have learned that every day is a gift. Truly - a gift. I am able to watch as my children grow, learn, stumble, and wonder. While some days are harder than others, I am conscious to look for the beauty in them and the world around me, every day. I hold my children tighter than I ever have at night, and wish for the time to slow down so I can absorb every moment into my very being. I realize that the things they do that would have upset me in the past, are not THAT big of a deal. They are learning, they are pushing, and they are experimenting with who they are and what they can do. I have tried to rule with love and patience more than ever before and have let that fill my heart.

While this journey was purely mine, the core of it is no different than others who experience a loss. We are all unimaginably heart broken."

​Knowing that others may be responding in the same way, she took the time to come up with some things that would've comforted her, in hopes that people might be better equipped to handle these situations in the future. She also took the time to point out things that really hurt her. Take a look at this and if you encounter a loved one who is experiencing loss, consider that simply responding in these ways may make a world of difference for them.

1. Express That You Are Sorry For Their Loss.

It's as simple as that. A genuine “I’m sorry” lets them know that you’re feeling for them and not ignoring the situation.

2. Ask If You Can Do Anything....Or Simply Do Something.

Most people will probably say no. But if you’re close enough, you can do something anyways. Take their
kid/s for a couple hours so they can shower, sleep, cry, or just be. Cook for them. The last thing she wanted to do was cook. Pre-made meals were a life saver. If food and kids aren’t in your bag of tricks, a card or flowers is perfectly acceptable. The point is to show that you’re there for them during this hard time.

3. Speak The Child’s Name.

Some babies come to stay for a lifetime. Others bless us with their presence for a couple of months,
weeks, minutes and some may not take a breath outside of the womb, but they bless us nonetheless.
Don’t be afraid to speak the babies’ name. My friend told me that it doesn’t hurt when Gigi’s name is spoken, but it hurts when it’s not. I would've never known that and the idea of speaking her name had always scared me because I feared I would hurt my friend, so I would avoid the subject. She explained that her baby girl was here and she was loved. Gigi was a part of her and her family. So, if you know of the child's name, please don’t hesitate to say it. I know that my friend gets comfort knowing her daughter touched the lives of others too and saying her name reminds her of that.

4. Ask About A Favorite Memory Of Their Child.

​Every mother will have a memory. Whether it is a positive pregnancy test, sharing the news, or cradling their child...trust me, they will have one.

These four things are enough to let someone know they aren’t alone, and that they have support from
people that love them. If someone does come to you with their grief, please know that they aren’t
expecting you to fix it, reason it away, or have answers. More than likely, they are coming to you
because they trust you in this horrible state and they need to talk through things.

While the list of what to say is short, I know that she heard plenty of things that made her travel further to the bottom of the sea. I’m sure none of them were said with malice, but it hurt her nonetheless.

Consider that, for some people, these things should be left unsaid.

1. Telling Them That God Has A Plan Or To Have Faith In Him, Or Anything Alluding To God Meaning For This To Happen.

After Gigi passed away, my friend had many people telling her that “God has a plan” or “God only chooses those who can handle it.” For many people, these references may be comforting. But for other people, you have no idea what they might be internally struggling with and it's hard enough to experience the loss that they are. The last thing you want to do is push faith in their face when they may be struggling with that as well. I know my friend felt like people were saying that she was chosen to have this happen to and that it would all just be okay. Does anyone really want to think or feel like they were on the top of the future bereaved parent’s list? It’s not a prize.

2.Telling Them That It Will Be Okay.

Listen...no, it’s not okay. 7 years later for her and it’s still not okay. Does she function day to day? Yes. Can she see beauty again? Yes. Do you think it’s okay that her daughter isn’t opening Christmas presents and celebrating birthdays? No. Seriously, it’s still not ok. Don't tell her that it will okay, because it probably never will be.

3. "If It Makes You Feel Better" Stories.

Are you kidding me? Seriously, you’ve got to be kidding me…right? Do you honestly think any crappy thing you’ve gone through will make someone else feel better? It won't. It's comparing your thing to their thing and by doing that you fail to value their thing for what it is. Theirs. Not yours. Nothing like yours. Don't do this.

4. Telling Them That It Will Get Easier With Time.

You’re probably right. But asking someone grieving to look down the road and outside of their grief in that moment isn’t realistic, and probably isn't even healthy. They know that it won’t hurt as bad every single day at some point far, far, far down the road but don't try to force them to look for that.

5. Tell Them That Everything Happens For A Reason.

​There is no acceptable reason for a baby to be taken from their mother.

6. Tell Them That They Should Be Thankful For... Anything. 

My friend read an article that nailed part of it. It said “Before you tell a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you could live without.” If you have children, consider that. There is nothing that someone can be thankful for when they are hurting like this. Don't devalue their feelings by making them think they don't deserve to hurt.

7. Give Them “At Least” Scenarios.

This is never a good way to start a sentence to a grieving parent. No minimization of what happened will make it hurt less. This is an all or nothing loss someone.

My hope is that some understanding and insight to this journey can be beneficial for others if they encounter the same experience. The most important factors in all of this are to think before you speak and have the courage to take action. I consider myself a strong person and a good friend, and even I fell short. It won't happen again and, while I hope I never know another woman to go through this, I know that I will be better if I do. I will do better. I will be stronger for them. I will do it for Gigi.

​A Story About The Woman Trying To Sell Me A Gym Membership

Being a woman who is also a mother, wife, and full-time employed professional usually ends up being a competing priority with the woman that also wants to work out and explore all the time. Since health and fitness are important to me, I always strive to make sure I can dedicate time and energy to being able to be active consistently. I’ve been struggling here. I moved into a management position recently. We built a house this year. I have kids and a husband. They want me to feed them. Then there’s the dishes…Ya know, normal Mom stuff. So, I thought that I’d visit a local chain gym because my Husband’s employer offers a good discount there. Their hours are good and they have daycare so it would provide me some flexibility that I don’t currently have.

That leads me to having to talk to one of their car salesman. Excuse me, I mean personal trainers. 
Why does this have to be so annoying? I wonder if this is just a “me” thing or if everyone finds them annoying. Anyway, I played phone tag, we did the dance, and finally booked my meeting to get walked through the gym. I checked in and we did our tour. The trainer promptly forgot absolutely everything we had discussed a few days prior so I had to listen to the whole sales pitch (gag!). I did so politely. Hey, maybe she was tired or having an off day. I can’t sign up without my husband since it has to be processed through his work so I set off on my merry way back to work when she does it.

​She tells me she enjoyed talking with me and then as she stands tells me she’s excited to have a new potential member and tells me that I’m “doing good and don’t have that much that I need to work on.”

​Huh? What? What the f? Ahem….hold on…. WHAT?

I smiled and asked her to please explain what those things are that are left for me work on. You know, it’s my duty to make sure I understand exactly how to prioritize my training to fit a stranger’s picture of what my goals are supposed to be.

​Let’s get real. That didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because I don’t care what that woman thinks. But I do care about the fact that I think there are a whole lot of people who do. I think it’s important to provide a picture of what I look like to be able to fully emphasize my point here.